Growing up is already hard to do. But growing up in today’s social media-driven world? That’s exceptionally difficult. Add to that a hormonally fueled navigation through the dating world as a teenager, and, well, that’s, like, totally hard. And any parent of a teenager knows how challenging it can already be when a teen becomes interested in dating.
“The effects of social media on teen dating are huge,” says Sara Dimerman, a Toronto-based therapist and parenting and relationship expert. “Getting to know or dating someone without the rest of the world looking in is a thing of the past, and teens today seem to be just fine living in glass houses, so to speak.”
Technology, like Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, has made teen dating a very public display of affection — so public that posting private information is de rigueur for teens, who are putting the ups and downs of dating out there for everyone to see, tweet, like and comment about.
“No sooner than their dating relationship has been defined, they make a public announcement on Facebook for their friends to see,” says Dimerman. “Unfortunately, one of the downsides of such an overt display of relationship can leave the couple open to comments and a myriad of emotional responses from others. It does not allow much room for them to learn about one another in a private way, so it removes a sense of intimacy.”
Parents are also feeling the brunt of the technology — and sharing — overload.
“Because a lot of what teens are orchestrating in terms of plans are covert — such as when they text each other — we are often in the dark in terms of who our teens are going with and where.”
That’s why the big C-word — “communication” — is so important for parents to help teach their children how to date defensively and wisely.
“Communication is vital,” says Dimerman. “It’s your right and responsibility to know the person your son is dating and to also know who the parents are of who he’s dating.”
Toronto dating coach Laura Bilotta, who runs the website Single in the City, concurs.
“It’s important, when your child gets home from her date, to talk about it. You want to talk about the good and bad things and ask questions.”
And, of course, sometimes talking to your teen about dating will lead to the Talk.
“Listen to cues of readiness to hear more about the birds and the bees and relationships as children grow,” says Dimerman. “And most importantly, if a child approaches you with a question, no matter how uncomfortable, don’t tell her that she is too young to know. She will find out the answer from someone else.”
“You’ve got to have the sex talk,” says Bilotta, who believes that teens should be taking things slow when they date. “Dating should be fun, especially in your teenage years. It should be about having a date to go to a party with and developing bonds. It shouldn’t be about sex. Once you introduce sex into the picture, the situation becomes very adult-like.”
So what’s Bilotta’s advice for keeping teenage dating fun and frivolous?
“Putting together a puzzle, baking, cooking something together, those are fun and cute things to do at home,” says Bilotta. “Going skating is another great thing to do this time of year. Hiking, bowling and going out to the movies are great ideas for group dating, too.”
But what about the teens who aren’t interested in dating? Dimerman says, for the most part, don’t sweat it.
“Dating isn’t for every young teenager,” she says. “Some are slower to develop emotionally and physically and may have less desire to date. If your child seems fine with this, then don’t make an issue of it.”
For the teens who may seem left out of the dating scene because he’s too shy to approach his crush, Bilotta says social media does have its charms for teen dating.
“Facebook is a great way to flirt,” she says. “Flirting for teens might not be easy face to face, so it’s a lot easier to joke with someone via a wall post, like a funny picture. It breaks the ice. ”
And how should parents handle those inevitable moments of teenage heartbreak?
“Talk to them about the possibility of rejection prior to the first date,” advises Bilotta. “Let them know it’s OK if someone doesn’t want to spend any more time with them, that you’ll meet new people in your lives. Dating is about having fun and meeting new friends.”
